[Submitted by: ruffledquillpens
The Human Resources office is now reopened. They apologize for the delay, there was a mountain of paperwork to finish sorting out. All those inquiring about positions should go bother them.
You have my sympathy, Ms. Sylvester]
[Submitted by: makinganestforthehawk
Part of Avenging the Earth is helping to cut down on waste. Here at S.H.I.E.L.D. we maintain a comprehensive recycling policy. Therefore, Thor is asked to cease expressing his pleasure with anything in a glass container by smashing it on the ground and crying out, “ANOTHER!” as it makes the glass impossible to recycle.]
[Submitted by: EatortheMighty
Because there has been some “confusion,” I apparently need to clarify a few things.
1: “Yes, sir” or “Yes, Director Fury” are acceptable responses to an order from me. “Yar, Matey” is not.
2: There are no such things as “air barnacles.” All agents should refrain from telling new recruits that they will be tasked with scraping them.
3: Mr. Stark makes sure that the rum stores for the helicarrier are well stocked, but it is not his ‘job.’ No agent should infer otherwise.
Any agent found violating these rules will be keelhauled.]
[Submitted by: thehasteur
It is the policy of S.H.I.E.L.D. and the United Nations to only serve the best and most nutritious food to our agents at all times. The meat product known as Spam falls under neither of these categories, at this time. Please do not suggest to Thor and Loki that it is the proper food for gods.]
A Day in the Life of Nick Fury and Phil Coulson
[[All S.H.I.E.L.D. agents who have actually VOLUNTEERED for Loki-minding or Deadpool-sitting will submit to an immediate psychological exam, followed by an I.Q. test. You are all either completely insane or immensely stupid. Or both.]]
[Submitted by: jeremetroid
Referring to Thor’s privates as the “The Midgard Serpent” or “The Hammer of the Gods” in the S.H.I.E.L.D. locker room is distasteful and rude and will not be tolerated aboard the Helicarrier.]
[Submitted by: Sarah
Capt. Rogers is not ‘Mister Rogers.’ A warning; anyone who inquires about his ‘neighborhood’ will likely be regaled with a colorful history of 1940s Brooklyn and various other places that Capt. Rogers ‘got beat up.’ They will usually be forced to listen for upwards of an hour and a half.]
[Submitted by: Ckl
Whoever told Thor that “It’s hammer time!” was a war cry used by the ancient Vikings in his honor will be punished. Severely.]
[Submitted by: open-road-air
Junior agents are reminded that despite Dr. Banner’s tendency to drop pronouns and refer to himself in the third person when peeved, he is still far more well educated than you are. If he ever asks you with a haggard look to check his math, be aware that he simply intends to make fun of you for not knowing whether the normal of a manifold is a scalar or a vector.
“Hulk feeling a little slow,” my ass.]
[Submitted by: Samael
While I am pleased with any initative to reduce our electric bill, all agents are to refrain from asking Thor to “boost” their personal electronic devices during off-hours.]
[Submitted by: FevversAB
Added to the list of songs banned from performance at S.H.I.E.L.D. Karaoke Night is “Cold As Ice” by Foreigner, even if, ESPECIALLY if, you are Mr. Stark singing it to Capt. Rogers with “sulky puppydog eyes.”]
[Submitted by: vidocqsociety
Agent Romanoff is asked to stop ambushing junior agents in the break room. These are not “helpful training exercises,” no matter how much she may insist otherwise. They are, in fact, damaging morale. HR is drowning in paperwork, the in-house psychiatrist is booked into the middle of next year, and the janitorial staff is tired of cleaning coffee off of everything.]
[Submitted by: iseulttoinjury
S.H.I.E.L.D. personnel are reminded that, regardless of their personal tastes, neither Justin Bieber, nor Rebecca Black are considered “the most illustrious bards of this age,” and it is now a punishable offense to instruct those not familiar with modern Earth that this is the case.]